Forget about vampires. Don't worry about zombies.
What you need to be wary of are the cute and innocent looking garden gnomes.
They are everywhere. And they are plotting revenge.
There could be one in your yard right now plotting your demise.
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They Will) is the only book that gives you step by step instructions on recognizing impending attacks, protecting yourself against an attack and shows you how to fight back.
This book is hilarious.
If you need a laugh this is the book for you, especially of you need a break from all the vampire and zombie books currently filling bookshelves everywhere.
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They Will) description from Amazon:
Move over zombies and adolescent vampires.
There’s a new threat in town—and it’s only twelve inches tall. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent, prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless yard decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc. The danger is real. And it’s here.
Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system—Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply—for safeguarding property, possessions, and loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognizing and interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard, and—in the event that a secured perimeter is breached—confronting and combating the attackers at close range.
If you live in the city or in an area with little green space you are probably safe from garden gnome attacks.
These little evil doers thrive in rural and suburban areas- in happy little gardens everywhere. Exactly where you would least expect suspicious activity.
From the book intro:
Keep reading if you want to live.
Call them what you want. Garden gnomes. Lawn ornaments. Little evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domination. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that, right now, they’re hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of merriment and good will. But secretly, quietly, while pushing diminutive wheelbarrows and brandishing miniature flowerpots, they’re planning home invasions all over the world. Perhaps they’re in your backyard right now—and you’re staring at one while reading this.
1. Are You at Risk?
If you’re reading this book, chances are you’re in proximity to garden gnomes
Factors increasing your risk of an attack:
• For some insane reason, you actually own lawn gnomes.
• You live in a suburban or rural house.
• Your dwelling sits on secluded, wooded acreage.
• You live alone.
• You follow a strict routine, making it easy to predict your comings and goings.
• There are gnomeowners in your neighborhood.
Just think, before reading this book I was actually going to put a few of these little guys in my garden.
Not anymore. Not after reading about nefarious gnome plans and plots.
I am already at high risk because I live in a semi-rural/suburban area filled with gardens and landscaping. I know some of my neighbors have gnomes. They could be watching me while I'm out in the garden. OMG they could be watching me right now.
I bet now is the time when they will be most vicious. Winter is coming and everyone is clearing out the garden and packing stuff away- but how many leave their gnomes out all winter long? To suffer the cold and snow?
No wonder they seek revenge.
I better re-read this book so I can take precautions. From now on when I'm outside I'll have my baseball bat nearby (touted as the best weapon to use against a gnome).
Are you prepared if garden gnomes strike?
I will be (after I read a few of these chapters, I want to make sure I am fully prepared).